i figured since i have waited and hoped and prayed for the days of having a baby i would automatically love every bit of the newborn/baby stage and having a sweet, needy baby of my own. and although there’s a lot to love about this, i was very surprised with how much i don’t love every bit. i have felt guilty about this, anxious, ungrateful, afraid to say anything because people lose babies all the time or can’t have them. and i was one of them for years.
but here i am. needing to process that this is hard and i am tired and feeble and weak and ashamed. but also i am here, even for this. working through, surrendering. honest, open. this is my story. and i believe it’s all meant to be shared as a walking testimony to how great my God is.
i am trying to turn my heart toward gratitude and into a time of worship instead of anger and frustration that my kid wakes up between 3-5am every day. but then goes down for a nap again around 6 if i am lucky. can’t we just sleep until 6 or 7... or 9am, baby?
some mornings i am all me, in a sinful state of selfish desire and it feels dark and heavy. and it’s winter so it doesn’t become light out until hours after i have been forced awake by a cute little turd. i do love mornings and i crave morning light but it’s nowhere to be found. it’s harder to know light is coming. i just have to believe in the promise that the joy is coming and the morning is, too.
i listened or read something recently (i can’t remember where or i’d reference it) that THIS is the day the Lord has made. if i have woken up, it’s a new day that the Lord has decided to gift and it is deemed good. no matter what happens today, i can embrace it as a gift. oh! it was from the liturgy of the ordinary which is a new january book i’m reading. perfect timing and so far, a great read!
the first few weeks of bringing jack home were really tough. he came right in the beginning of our busiest season. of course normal people do the math and then take off work or make arrangements to have help or vacation days but we’re both self employed, fully relying only on taking photos for a living which has worked out great thus far, but made things complicated when we got to have a super surprise miracle pregnancy/baby at the worst possible time! (so it seemed)
we just couldn’t have known what to expect or what i/baby would need. we didn’t plan the eventual c-section or horrible infection that i would get (probably from being in the hospital which i was trying to avoid altogether GAH!) or how hard it would be to not have my mom to come stay with us to rock baby and soothe us all to sleep. so we just survived. went right into survival mode.
ethan took on the main role of our photography and i stayed home and cried a lot and had friends come in shifts to take care of me and jack and to just not leave me alone. i was scared i couldn’t do it on my own and i was terrified to not have ethan home and near. i also had the awful guilt of not pulling through to be there for those weddings. this has never happened before and i really thought because i have a superpower that kicks in despite pain or sorrow when it comes to my work that it would do its job and i could do it. this was the beginning of the new thing God was starting in me. more limitations for the already limited, sick me. more sin exposed. i spiraled into sadness. also, sleep deprivation and PAIN FROM CHILDBIRTH. so much crashed down around me emotionally while i was physically at my worst and most heightened pain. and completely unaware of how to care for our new baby. i felt like i needed to say everything i was feeling out loud because then it was less scary and i could logically shoot down the stupid mean emotional thoughts i was having. so that’s what we did! i told my close people my fears, i told them to a tiny baby, i told them to ethan. and we prayed out loud, often. and we fought. hard against.
other mornings, like this one, i surrender before i rise from bed. i don’t sigh in discouragement. i breathe God in, because He’s all around and has given me this day and my sweet, alive, needy son who depends on me as mama. ethan (who i need to write ten+ blogs about in his goodness and beautiful papa-ness and my adoration and love for him) watches over little, 4am alert jack truman while i go make coffee and breakfast or reversed, i take j and e makes all the things for me before slipping back into a slumber. he has taken over night watch which means i sleep as much as possible and when jack stirs he tends to him or brings him to me to nurse. and then e thanks me for nursing him while i am amazed at the man who is my husband and his loving care toward me and his son.
i change jack and he most likely is smiling and waiting to pee right when the diaper is off and the changing pad is freshly laundered. i think he will enjoy being a boy and i am so happy to have this surprise son. he makes me weepy and we play back and tummy time and i turn on worship music to minister to our hearts.
having jack makes me realize just how much i need to know who i am to raise him up. everything else needs to go and my focus need only be on Christ. all the mistakes i could make, all the times i will need to seek my son’s forgiveness need not cause me anxiety if i just give it all to Jesus. His arms are steady. He loves me and jack truman more than we could ever fathom. He is enough. i don’t have to be!
my boy smiles to the sound of my voice and oh, how i wish my parents could see him. see me mothering him. me see them holding and smiling with pride at him. i wonder if they enjoyed us as babies as much as i am enjoying my babe. i bet so.
i love to rock jack. i love when i catch ethan watching us. i love family. we have dreamed of our own family since meeting. this is so sweet. undeserving entirely. and to imagine losing my son for the sake of all the souls ever created?! wow, my God is so good. He truly knows all and any sorrow and pain and tears we feel.
i don’t know why my son hates sleep. i feel like when he’s three, if he gets to be three, we will see parts of who he is now then and also maybe he’ll be a genus because i read an article that kids who sleep less are smarter. so there ya go. i have to stop googling things, though. it’s making everyone in my house crazy. sorry, ethan burt. ya freaking saint.
the sun still isn’t up. but i know it’s coming. my boy is sleeping in my arms which are asleep and tingling and my back feels raw from being hunched over. this is a growing season. for all of us.