these last few days have been so so good for us.
taking time away from FB and IG has been one of the best decisions of my life.
it is very strange and has a few set backs but overall i have thoroughly enjoyed it.
mostly it gives me more time to look up and look around. also to enjoy uninterrupted time with ethan. he isn't really a scroller so we never had the problem of him being on his phone too much. but i always had such an anxious energy about me like i should be checking something. or posting something. i do still use my business IG and i really love it (again, @burtco.weddings) because our business life and our personal life mesh and it's the beginning of our season so it's fun to post about what we're doing and how amazing our couples are. plus i still love IG and IG stories.
this weekend we visited indy. we stayed in our very first air bnb and it was lovely. we stayed with two friends who will be moving to africa soon. we enjoy so much people who obey and act on their convictions. it is just so fun to have conversations with passionate people. it fueled us in our own mission and passion. we went out to eat and then grocery shopped for the home that night. we cooked together, sat on the kitchen floor talking for hours, stayed up until after three in the morning and then rob made a delicious lemon blueberry lavender pancake breakfast that made us all so happy.
we went out for coffee after we ate breakfast and had coffee, obviously, and talked about marriage and mission and travel and the world's suffering. we felt so richly blessed by being with them.
when we got home i felt refocused. when i'm with people who are so passionate and on mission and moving forward and saying yes even when it's scary and unknown, it really moves me. i felt pumped.
right now my life and personality are in transition.
that's one of the reasons i got off of social media. the daily posting of the goings on. for a while i haven't known what i'm doing or where i'm going except i know that i'm supposed to stay put but i'm always antsy to move. and my life is actually getting quieter and simpler instead of more crazy and more busy. because i have had enough. i've tasted that life. the never ending business hours and the constantly checking my phone and emails and being available literally 24/7. and keeping up with people's expectations. and it's awful. and i'm awful. when life is that way i don't like myself or people and i have no time or energy for my husband or intentional friendships. i got lost in what the world says a wedding industry person should be, what a business woman should be, what our numbers should be, who i'm supposed to be impressing, etc.
one huge change is that i'm no longer editing.
that seems really crazy to some people since i'm so passionate about our photography work. but i've never been passionate about being behind a computer screen for 80 perfect of my week. i actually dislike editing. i love the finished product of editing but i loathe being the one who sits and makes it happen. i've always said i signed up to be a photographer, i never signed up for being an editor. but in all honestly, photography is only 10 percent of the job. the rest is correspondence, meetings (which i love) and editing. the best part about our editing now is that we've hired and trained our FRIEND. how cool is that? it's SO cool. it has been an absolutely awesome process getting this worked out and seeing how adding an employee to our company can work and not be as scary as people make it out to be. it turns out there are those people who LOVE being behind a computer making gorgeous edits happen. and i am happy to pay that person money to make it happen for me.
now i struggle with how FREE i feel. isn't that so silly and funny? and annoying? it's like this guilty feeling, like i should be more productive or do something else now that i've gotten some time freed up. but really, this was the plan all along and we are just here now. with my disease it is nice to not have to work so dang hard. i do it, and i don't actually mind it, but it is so calming to have the freedom to finally take better care of myself. i hate being diseased. i dislike having to spend my days in pain. but being self-employed and having a great support system makes it very doable and a wonderful life indeed.
so i'm trying to figure out what to do with my time now. and i've decided i want to write.
and read. and explore. and write about what i've read and explored and experienced. i've known that i won't always be a wedding photographer, or just a wedding photographer. and of course we all know the story about how i've thought i'd be a mother by now, but *eye roll* no such luck. so, writing. it's very hard to make the decision to write when no one is asking me to. besides my husband. and a few biased friends. i've been writing this, my own little blog for nearly 7 years now. which sounds crazy to me. i had another blog site when i was a newlywed where all the old posts are and one day i should go back and find it all and copy it or keep it somehow. maybe categorize it and make sense of it. but for now i've been really enjoying reading. all the books! and learning about my writing style and what types of books or blogs i want to write.
i have three new cookbooks i'm reading, we just bought an instant pot which i call an instapot, and i just finished lauren graham's novel someday, someday, maybe. IT WAS SO GOOD. very inspired. also, i'm reading a lot about nora ephron lately. she told me because i'm 27 i should put on a bikini and not take it off until i'm 35. she also wrote my favorite movies. so now i have to bikini shop and watch all her movies again.
this weekend was so slow and calm and unlike me. i'm the opposite of michael scott. i never schedule free time and i'm always unsure of what to do when i have an open day. shouldn't i call all the people who've ever wanted to hang out and let them know i have 45 minutes open? or three whole days open? AHH. or is it OK to skip out of town and JUST BREATHE ALONE? I'M NOT SURE. SOMEONE SEND HELP.
i enjoyed coffee with my husband in a busy, hectic restaurant while waiting on our friends to arrive and i didn't even freak out about how crazy it was. i did say i have no idea how anyone works there because it was NUTS. and i complimented our hostess because she was incredibly nice and kept her cool the entire time. i just focused on ethan. my him. he was really cute. and his freckles are coming out since the sun has been shining more. i wore shorts and he held my leg and made eyes at me and we drank our beverages and had the best time talking. i love that after seven years together i still have so much to talk to him about and so much to learn about him. he's so clever. he's so kind to strangers. he's so funny and uses voices that make me wish i was cooler so he wasn't with such a lame wife. he's been more giggly lately. (is it OK to say my husband giggles? he's super manly, you guys) the joy that fills my heart with my grown man husband giggles because of me.
i think i'm going to take a bath and read a better nutrition magazine and go to bed early and not look at my phone until tomorrow. WHO AM I EVEN?