this bond between mama and son is something so intense, i am struggling to put it into words.
i wish i had words! it’s everything. it’s too much. it’s painful. it’s perfect. it’s absolute magic. it’s terrifying. it’s tearful. it’s special and unique. i feel completely torn apart when i’m away from him for even thirty minutes. his smell is intoxicating. the way he looks at me melts me. the way he searches for me when being held by someone else. they way he grabs for my feet when he’s on the ground. i never ever want to let him go. i’m so lucky he’s ours. mine and ethan’s. and we are currently in a perfect little family bubble. i wouldn’t say it’s been this way the entire time, really it’s just started. months one through six were atrocious. just downright unpleasant. everyone was in survival mode. jack was beautiful and we loved him, but it was ROUGH. God’s grace got us through every day, just to feel defeated and do it all again the next. but baby’s grow and eventually learn to sleep. you just keep doing the days even if you never know if it’ll get better. we had no idea he would just get better at sleeping around seven months of age but we are praising the good Lord it is so. you figure out what each cry means and you start to build confidence that you are in fact, not the world’s worst parent, but that you’re actually pretty darn decent.
i feel complete. content. i could just stay here. but we told God that when he made it clear that our parenting years have begun, we would really do parenthood. we do things hard. very intensely. i think we’ll go from zero to five very quickly. but i’m fighting my flesh on this one. i’m just so darn happy with my one baby, my one, sweet and healthy boy. i’ve just learned him a bit, and i know that he will change again. but for now, we have a sweet little rhythm. it took us six months to find it and now we’re in talks of changing it all again. i don’t want to get anxious again, i don’t want to fight depression. i don’t want to go dark.
but children need us. the first day we met we said we would foster kids. we both agreed that there isn’t a limit of kids we would have or take in. i honestly don’t know where this desire came from that we both felt deep, burning within our souls. i had never talked about children with any other boyfriend or just friends that i’d had growing up. never discussed foster care or adoption. i really didn’t see it much growing up, either. i didn’t know of many foster or adoptive families in my area. but talking with ethan that monday night, we both agreed that loving homes need to take in needy children. it’s a must. that was ten years ago this november. ten years. ten years of not helping kids. my heart aches.
we’ve done a great job of building of marriage. not to be braggy, but we’re one of the best marriages i’ve seen or ever heard of. and i’m proud of it. and i love living it. ethan burt is incredible, loyal, steadfast and selfless. and he’s already a fantastic papa. the kids we have and get will be so lucky to have him.
our goal is to be foster/adoption certified by the end of this calendar year. and on average it takes between 3-6 months to make happen so we are beginning now. and last night fear and ugly doubt crept in. fear that i’m not capable to care for a child with trauma. doubt that we will be good for them. fear of losing part of my bond with jack while my attention is divided between all the children. fear of sharing with people because everyone has loud feelings about people taking in troubled kids. but a great silence came over me and i just stopped and let go. God put this desire in our hearts i believe because he knows it will be good for us, good for them and good for Glory. i’m tired of worrying about all these selfish little things for my own safety, my own comfort. i just want to do what God wants. so bring on the hard. the scary. the dark. i’m better prepared for it now.
perfect Love casts out all fear.
i’m hesitant to share our journey so early but i also feel that old nudge again. i miss sharing my life. my good blogger friend reminded me that she just wrote for her. and it’s just bonus extra that it helps anyone else. gosh, i miss that. that’s how i began, too! and i have great life memories and huge lessons learned that i can go back and see and read. i crave that. i will effort. i will attempt. this is just my journey, my story, my song. i write for me.
this is me, right now.
loving my new mama life and pursuing kids in need. working on my health and the health of my family. following Jesus every step of the way.