dream | adventures in foster care
i had a dream that I couldn’t get to jack. he was in the care of someone else. somehow we had a two way monitor and he knew how to use it (and it worked several miles away) so he could show us what it was like. i couldn’t get to him. he was crying. at the dinner table of someone else who was not loving him. there were other kids too i could tell but they were a blur and only jack was in clear focus.
i watched him go through his day. aad, lonely. in need of my help. wanting me. and i couldn’t get to him. i woke up devastated. and then breathed relief to know he is safely in his bed.
i lay in bed and think about the why of what we are about to get into. this is just the beginning. we’ve been warned. i’ve wavered in desire and fear and anxiety about it all.
foster care and adoption are so complex. very hard. messy. painful. it comes at great cost and deep loss for all involved.
a lot of parents want their kids. foster care is all about reunification with the biological family. i believe in this. ethan believes in this.
have we thought about this? have we measured the cost? have we considered the difficulties?
my answer : have you talked to us for even five minutes? do you know us? like, deeply?
we are willing to adopt because we are open to the mysteries of God. but we love the mission of reunification because parents love their children. they want them. but sometimes life is hard and difficulty befalls. and we have more than enough to help while they get back on their feet. we are here for relationship. building healthy family life and giving time for hard work to take place while children have a home and dinner every night and a bed. We all need each other. it takes a village for us all to be raised.
i don’t always want to do this. we haven’t begun. maybe we shouldn’t.
kids ripped out of their environment. misbehaving in our home because they don’t like their situation or me or my cooking. parents resenting us for what we have. hurting because they don’t have enough. while we have too much. kids wanting to be with what they know but for a time it’s not manageable.
jack responding to all of this. he’ll be raised with other kids. in and out of our home. he will grow up in this because we have chosen it.
there is fear there. i go down the rabbit trail of bad that could possibly come.
but I’m bold enough to get out of the way and trust God and his magic and mystery. i’m bold enough to trust jack’s life to him as well. my own, along with ethan. and this is something our family believes in.
ethan and i already speak to jack as if he understands adult language. because he mostly does already and in short amount of times he learns what big words mean and can comprehend in his sweet little baby way. i dozed again dreaming about explaining why we do what we do to jack. i said things like imagine you didn’t get to be with mama and papa anymore even if you wanted to be with us and we wanted you, too. we got ripped away. this will be hard because these kids feel sad. but we can love them and play and cook together and sometimes see their parents and invite everyone we know into a healing. because God wants to heal us all, and for eternity. one day we will all be healed for good. we play a part in helping others get to healing.
that’s what we do when we open our home up. we open up to the wounds of others and let them see our wounds. and we share in God’s truth and beauty and goodness when we are brave and risk our lives for the sake of others. He promises good to us when we do. forever and ever amen.