sleepless nights | presence in the dark | at home with bb

i imagined more sleep when my baby slept more.
that makes sense to me.
but that has not been what’s happened for me.

jack is sleeping better.
ethan is sleeping fine.
i am being awoken around the same time every night.

WHY.
anger followed.
annoyance.
it makes me have the bad moods throughout some days.
i text complaints to my friends.
i tell my doctors about it. wanting them to fix me.
i’m seeking answers.

but two nights ago i confirmed what i thought it might be but was avoiding.

God.
in pursuit of me.

time away.
a sweet meeting.

i get very angry when i don’t sleep.
i’m a tired new mom. I WANT TO SLEEP WHEN IT’S SLEEP TIME.
my baby is finally sleeping longer than 4 hours at a time.
I NEED THIS.

i don’t want to talk about sleep schedules or nap times or how to get my baby to do what i want him to do but i will just say that he still rises very early and we’re working on it.
for 10 months i have forfeited my alone time with God because i’m in a daze at 4:30am with my little gift.
we nurse and rock and we play with blocks and read books and sometimes i try not to cry or be mad at him.

lately he’s up at 4:40am on the dot.
i’m able to nurse him and put him back down and he’s out again until 6 or 7.
this is HUGE and AMAZING. and i could just get back to sleep, too, that would be even better.

but there’s something i’ve been avoiding.
and this is why i believe i am waking around 2 or 3 am. ANNOYED.
i’ve felt like maybe it’s the Lord but also could we just not? could you come back later because it’s freaking 2am and i have to be up soon with a baby and i’m not interested.

i’m reading a book with the subtitle “waking up to God’s goodness around you” as if written as a joke just for me in this very moment and God is certainly having a great laugh as i come to realization.
how funny.

come away with me, i hear Him sweetly say.
i desire to be with you.
i miss you.
i am waiting.

i asked for confirmation like an idiot and said in my heart, if you wake me up again i’ll know it’s you and i’ll come away with you.

i woke with energy.
i met Him in my living room.
i have never felt so pursued.

gentle yet fierce presence surrounded me.

He asked me one of those life-altering questions.
if i never get another night of sleep-through-the-night-sleep, what kind of person would i choose to be?

how far am i willing to go for Love?
is this it?

i heard :
are you done? do you give up?
you’re too tired? you’re in too much physical pain?
you have lost belief that I Am the one who sustains your life and your days?
you forget that I see your days and know what you need to make it through?
why have you taken your eyes off of Me?
you have lost faith in my source of energy?
why haven’t you found a new time to meet with Me since our days of quiet mornings alone together have been replaced with the beautiful gift of the child that you’ve asked for and I created?
what do you think your precious sleep will get you if you do not remain in Me?

nothing.
i am nothing without Love.

i thought i was nothing without sleep.
but i am nothing without Love.

i would like to sleep. and i’d like full nights of it, repeatedly.
but it’s just not the time.
it’s time for a rude awakening.
my soul is at stake.

there’s something waiting for me in the dark.
my least favorite hour is now a time that i must explore in order to grow.
i read that growth requires death.

i immediately feel like a toddler. “i don’t wanna”
followed by a sit. and a long pout.
and that’s what i’ve been doing for weeks.
it’s not cute.

i’ve been thrown into a season of deep self-exploration.
three years plus now after losing both of my parents and having a baby.
there’s a lot of weight to all of that.
life shattering, life-as-i-know-it altering circumstances.

i was certainly not prepared to endure lengthy, dark days.
we would just pray those away and grab for worldly comfort to help distract and ease the mind.
and do that on loop so we don’t have to stop or think or be still or deal.

but now i am deep in it.
i can only hide and excuse for so long.
it all comes crashing down upon at some point and
now i have to decide what i will do and who i will become.
it’s the pits.
it feels like the most important of all the things.

ethan and i got to spend some of jack’s nap time today just sitting on the couch with coffees, talking.
i spoke of the experience with God in our living room and he said “that’s it. i was waiting for the story. you have your wise eyes on and i couldn’t wait to hear what was going on”

there is so much going on.

one of my favorite photos of us, jack boy.  spring 2019.

one of my favorite photos of us, jack boy.
spring 2019.