today started out rough.
it was the day after a wedding day so ouchies. sore and so extra tired. but baby wakes at 5am no matter what day it is and on this particular day, probably to push me even harder and grow me even faster or send me into deeper reliance and devotion to God, he also refused his usual first morning nap. on top of that it was sunday so his second nap would also be interrupted.
my mood was not lovely.
i was angry that my husband gets to sleep longer than me.
i was mad at my kid for not sleeping when he’s “supposed” to. or for as long as i wanted so i could get some extra sleep. i really contemplated canceling church and just crying and asking ethan to give me a nap while he watched jack. he would have done it. probably because he gets more sleep causing him to be a nicer human. but we’re really craving community and being back in the pew so we went anyway. it’s been really hard for me to do things because i’ve become crazy obsessed with nap times. like, legitimately crazy person level obsessed. when you can’t function and don’t sleep for longer than two hours at a time, sometimes even less if you can even believe that, for over six months, you become slightly unhinged. so scheduling anything in the past eight months of our life has been really anxiety producing for me. but i really want to commit to being back at church and creating family in the town we feel called to. so i decided i wasn’t allowed to have any more emotions about it and we are just going.
ethan didn’t tell me this until after church but he prayed for jack to begin getting used to church and being in the pew with us. we feel strongly that he stays with us and not in the nursery but we also know kids can be distracting and babies are A LOT so we are navigating that currently and being open. but today jack was a perfect doll baby! he sat adorably in between the two of us and he looked over at his quasi- aunt and uncle and gave cute faces. he played quietly. even though he was tired and hungry he just behaved. it was the best. if only we could get him to sleep on us! that would be the dream. i know this won’t be the case every sunday so i just enjoyed every second we got of this one!
we didn’t have any work today which i was thankful for. so we kept it as a family day. ethan and i worked in j.tru’s room on his cute little bookcases (which are spice racks from ikea, i’ll share soon!) and we’re working on blinds because right now we have black out towels in his windows. there’s been a running trend in our home of using towels in windows and i will say that also makes me not want to be a nice person. why can’t we just have blinds!? we also had to get a crib bumper because kid gets his legs caught in the slats. why do they even make cribs like this? i’m calling for a new design where they can’t get caught in the slats. that probably exists but i’ve already spent too much money on the crib he has to make changes now. oy!
and while i was in pajamas doing jack’s laundry and sneaking kisses while he played, ethan grabbed our big camera and captured some special moments. i adore these images below. i see myself completely differently now. i have so much grace for myself. it’s so good to see myself in this new way. i’m no longer picking myself apart for how i look on the outside. i’m loving the way i feel on the inside. wife and mother. two very special boys who adore me and want me and need me. i don’t always love the responsibility but i am learning to see it and count it as joy. my days are so incredibly different than just eight short months ago. my entire being, my entire life has utterly changed. never to return.
this boy gave me a new title to add to my many. mama.
he even is saying “mama” now! it’s THE BEST EVER IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD OF ALL GOOD THINGS.
this was my first mother’s day. i’m happy to report i had no expectations so the way the morning went did not ruin my whole day. we didn’t do gifts. we don’t do presents for birthdays, anniversaries, christmas or any of the days. i just don’t get it. but i live happily most days, learn from my mistakes and really really love living a real, messy, simple life.