purpose | brokenness

to the person who is struggling while looking at my beautiful, healthy, alive family,

i see you.
i understand.
and i’m sorry.

i see the pain in your eyes when you gaze upon my family. what looks like absolute perfection. what you desire for yourself that you don’t have. i have been there. i know it doesn’t look like it now, and you don’t even have the capacity to care that i’ve been there because you’re there now. you’re hurting now. this is everything awful and unfair and painful to you. so anything i say to you while i hold my beautiful baby cannot be heard. anything i say with my husband who adores me sitting next to me goes completely unheard, too. and it sucks. it sucks for you and it sucks for me. so what do we do? how do we coexist well? how do we fight for relationship? usually they just break. it’s too much. but it makes me super sad. there’s enough coming between people and i’d like to find a solution. what is your purpose in this time and season and what is mine?

every time jack finally sleeps a bit, i think he’s dead. and just every day i think about him dying. i think part of that is unhealthy worry but part of it is just surrender to the Lord that this little life is not in my hands and i have little control over his life and what happens. (i still do the same with ethan!) i could worry and hover and fret but that would make everyone miserable and usually causes more accidents than relaxing. i will still most likely be the over-anxious mother, but i’m taking lessons weekly from my super chill, amazing, seasoned mom friends.

jack’s life already has so much purpose. he brings light and joy to everyone who meets him. people call him beautiful, and he really is. he’s a beautiful boy. his eyes amaze everyone. they say he already really sees. we agree! his eyebrows make them laugh, and his little tongue is like his signature. these things make him unique. and God has been so gracious, as his name meaning, to show us such purpose in a tiny little life of seven months. i know that no matter how long or short his life is, it has purpose.

i’m now the person i used to see and try really really hard to be happy for, but hurt a lot after seeing. it pains me because when i see people hurting because of what they see in us, i want to say, “me, too”, as in, you’re not alone! i know this pain i see. it took us eight years to get here. it was painful, i had to grow and growing is so freaking painful. i had to search my heart, i had to go through hurt, i had to question and be angry and fight. my marriage went through a lot and we were scared and sad several nights. there were tears of sorrow. i had to change my perspective of a life and a life’s purpose. i had to learn contentment and it’s a super difficult lesson and process. God, in his grace, showed me that all those years of “infertility” were just barrenness with purpose. He had a plan, my plan, a plan just for me. but it’s painful when we keep the expectations of a plan for our own lives in front of our faces and fight the plan that was meant for us.

in the brokenness of your life right now, you are a gift. our broken parts make up our story and our story helps connect and heal others. if Jesus didn’t break his body and pour out his blood, we wouldn’t be saved, healed, restored, victors over death. but he made broken beautiful. we don’t have to wait for a good gift to come before we can be a gift to others. in our very brokenness, we are gift.

i didn’t want to wait until i became a mother of my own biological child to live purposeful. so i did the work. and God has been so so beautiful in showing me the fruit of that hard labor. and now that i have been allowed such a gift of motherhood to a healthy child, i will not wait to lose him to earthly death to surrender his life to the one who created him. people who have gone before me in loss of child have been doing the hard work for centuries, proving that God is good and i can heed their wisdom now in my own life.

there may need to be a perspective shift in your life like i so desperately needed. maybe you are single because you are meant to travel. or maybe meant to serve the family that it pains you to see. maybe you don’t have children because God is asking you to focus on your co-workers or your spouse alone, or fostering or adoption. i don’t know! you have to do the hard work. finding people to be honest with who will love you along the broken way will be a gift to you. and you serving where you need to serve while being broken will be a gift to the world.