this summer has been a challenging. our usual busy season has had a lull which i was looking forward to because i don’t love summer and summer weddings are HOT and sometimes miserable. i loved the idea of not working on weddings for the summer (even though that means we also have no money because we aren’t working) and using the time for creative ideas and new productivity. but instead it’s been a mess of a summer. too many ideas, not enough money. too risky. not the right time or season of life. we have two huge goals in life : business. owning them, starting them, maintaining them. and the second is rescue. foster care / adoption. raising children together who need all the love because we have love to give. we are in probably just a normal season of decisions and choices and we will get somewhere but to me it feels very dramatic and desperate and i’ve been wallowing in despair for weeks (okay, months).
i have also never been a mother before. so far i have still tried to do all the things i have done before and even a few new things but also with a baby. i had no idea how much it would wreck me to be away from my son. it is excruciating. i have never once felt like i needed a break from him. ethan and i just want to be with him ALL OF THE TIME. if he could do movies we’d even still date with him. we haven’t been good at sharing him.
i just had a dream last night and in it i had to be away from him but could feel this pull the entire time that i needed to get back to him so i left the people hanging and just went to my kid. i was on the phone crying with one of the people in the group i was leaving. i HATE disappointing people. but i wanted jack more.
i am so torn. and i feel the privilege i am coming from in my circumstance and that has also caused inner turmoil. i know that this is stupid lucky and ridiculous that i get so many choices and options. to work or to stay home. to be with my kid all the time and start a new home business. to keep my wedding photography company going and only need a nanny on saturday.
i struggle with slowness and value. i have learned warped ways. i have craved praise from the outside world to show me my worth. i avoid stillness at all cost. when i am “doing nothing” with my baby i crave productivity. when i have a chance to be productive i crave a nap or a moment to eat alone. i can’t keep up with my own standards.
i read a conversation in a book last night that was very much like me. the woman was complaining about her disheveled garden and her husband made the comment that no human could keep up with her standards. IT ME!
having jack, having huge grief and emptiness from the death of two parents, has made a hard force of stillness in my life that i have been successfully avoiding for too many years. all of the years of not dealing has come to smack me in the face. all at once. all of a sudden. and i have literally nothing else to do this summer but to finally face it. it’s quite annoying. it’s terrifying. it’s ugly. it has produced many a migraine. horrible all over body fatigue. it’s daunting. it feels quite impossible and i would like to continue to avoid it.
i am about to turn 30. and if i don’t face some hard things now, i’m afraid i never will. and i will be very mentally unhealthy. it feels scarier to face things because mistakes are made and people most likely will be hurt and it can be an all out war to dig into issues. but the more i avoid, the more i find that this side of not dealing is way scarier. i am not confident in anything here. i am so unstable i can’t even order off a menu without freaking out about what someone else might think of my choice. i struggle to make decisions with my family about our future because i am so full of fear. i might (most certainly) find some ugly things out about the people in my life and MYSELF (blah! the worst!) and hard choices will have to be made and i might not (most certainly will not) be the same person on the other side. but i have to do it. it beckons me.
Jesus is calling me out upon the water.
i love that Jesus met people by the well. something we need so often and so much of, drinking water. and he tells us of the living water that he can offer. and we’ll never thirst again. i rarely understand.
because i still need to drink water every day. i forget that i have the free gift of living water to power my day and my thoughts. i get lost in the drudgery of needing to refill my water glass yet again. missing the gift. i lose my way and get entangled in a bunch of lies and sins and worries and warped desires.
like peter, i looked down at the scary waves around my feet instead of keeping my eyes upon the Savior holding my hand.
but, ah. the good news. grace, grace, grace. a new day is dawning and his mercies are new. a free gift to be taken and enjoyed to the fullest. my God is a good good Father.
i am tired. i still want to hide away and keep avoiding. but now i have so much to deal with and can see that if i keep this up, i could avoid myself into much more danger.
i have the ability to face. to deal. to grow. and then, hopefully, on the other side, to help others heal. my hard work now will yield good fruit and will help make others brave to do the same.
all of this is safe in the arms of Jesus.